|
|
Friday, October 2nd, 2009
| |
10:32 am
|
i'm at a crossroads again, confused about what path to take. standing there undecided until there is only one path left.
do i return to school and get a job that can pay bills? do i remain in this situation and go back to being a housewife when i can? if i do go to school what path to take? i know already i'll hate any path i take at school eventually because it would jut be a better paying job in the end to me and not a career. as usual it's not my day / week / month / year / life.
so i've been thinking about my three strongest desires i've had throughout my life. the first is of course to move away from this country and see the world, perhaps even find a place i can belong. the second is to never get married. the third is to be able to financially support myself. as of yet i haven't moved away have next to no money and it looks like my freedom will expire shortly. getting a degree would not only stay off having to wed, but theoretically it could give me a job that would generate enough of an income where i wouldn't have to be concerned with what i'd do without Joshua. i love him, truly and deeply but i love being my own person even more.
i guess the answer is obvious, go to school. the not so obvious is what job can i tolerate for the money that would make the burden of school bearable?
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Sakuran - Shiina Ringo
|
|
|
| Thursday, August 13th, 2009
| |
4:04 pm
|
i know she's a dumb bitch because of the words she chooses, and the way she put those words. she speaks in plain americanized english. i know she's a dumb bitch because she hasn't spoke to you Joshua, in how many years? oh, that's right when she can use you for something she speaks to you. she needs the attention of someone she hasn't seen in years on facebook to make her feel good about herself. you still care to chat via facebook!!! whoop de fuckin doo. what is it you two have in common that makes you friends anyway? fuckin jack shit or you'd speak on a regular basis. it's really pathetic when an adult finds people they used to hang out with five years ago or more to seek attention.
guess what dude? those fucking wasteful party days are long gone. they are a part of who you were, not who you are, she's the same as those days gone by. drop the dead weight and mature instead of clinging to alleged glory days when all you had to do was pay your part of the the rent and wake up for work the next day. you are much more than that right now.
current mood:  annoyed
current music: Tales Of A Scorched Earth - Smashing Pumpkins
|
|
|
| Wednesday, August 5th, 2009
| |
7:49 pm
|
where has the girl who wanted to become a writer gone? you know, the one who wanted to make it on her own and stand on her own two feet? the one who naively believed that she'd be able to live her own life on her terms? i vaguely remember her.
she was full of chaos within. it was churning rapidly constantly giving new ideas that didn't amount to much. she believed that she'd never have to conform to make it. she used to paint and write and inspire others though she didn't inspire herself much if at all. she wrote poetry. read it too. she read philosophy and enjoyed learning about it. she played chess frequently though she didn't win much.
did she mature?
become too jaded?
loose her way?
current mood:  gloomy
current music: Poltergeist - Shiina Ringo
|
|
|
| Monday, May 11th, 2009
| |
3:24 pm
|
strange day.
had an amazing time last night when Joshua finally got home from work at one in the morning and found me on his side of the bed wearing a fishnet body stocking cuffs and a blindfold. i wake up and decide i might go and exercise but after i take Ari to school i forget the saxophone at the apartment. i'm on the way back to the apartment from the school when a cop car behind me flashes his lights and pulls me over.
i haven't been pulled over in about four years. i didn't really remember what to do and i get my license out on my lap and reach over for the glove box where the registration and insurance are. my hand doesn't reach so i undo the seat belt without even thinking when he taps the window. he asks me if i knew why i was being pulled over and i didn't know truthfully - he says i was speeding. i couldn't have been going more than five over. he asks if i have a seatbelt. he takes my info and i was freaking out until he brings all my info back and lets me go after a short advisory about changing my info on my license with the DMV.. i was freaking out. thankfully i didn't get a ticket.
then i get back home and tell Joshua the story and he says that he isn't going to take the instrument back since her band class is over so just deal with it tomorrow. we go back to sleep for a little while, then get ready to go to Shane's house. Shane is supposed to come over for dinner tomorrow, which will probably be ravioli. i want to do something a little cooler than that but dunno if we can. we had jimmy john's for lunch and a girl at the store said she hated onions. which was a strange thing to hate i thought.
i get home, go to the library and check out some Anne McCaffrey books for Ari and pick her up from school. McCaffrey she's fine till we get home and there is "nothing to eat" for a snack and is also pissed that Joshua wouldn't get her the ben and jerry's ice cream on a technicality. the two of them proceeded to have an idiotic argument about ritz crackers.
i get online and check my emails, nothing interesting until i look at what i'm deleting in my junk folder. i got two emails from an ex boyfriend. i paused and considered reading them but then just deleted them. it's strange to know that he's still thinking of me six years later and its a definite ego stroke though it's also off putting and creepy at the same time. so i decided to make this journal friends only. the day isn't even over maybe more strange things will happen.
i want so many things i don't know if i will ever be able to get them since i don't know whether or not i can be employed. i haven't gotten any call backs outside fof the two i got about three weeks ago. i want more makeup before i run out, shorts and skirts to wear when it gets even hotter out, shirts that are not t-shirts, shoes that cost more than 15 dollars, new panties and lingerie, the whatever happened to the caped crusader thats coming out in july, fallout 3 and 1600 points to spend on two of the downloads, better cheese than the skim we have now that smells looks and tastes gross, a good pic of me with my new hair, a haircut, new exercise shoes, medical insurance, just so many things that i need money for.
current mood:  weird
|
|
|
| Tuesday, May 5th, 2009
| |
9:36 pm
|
i'm not ready yet and the date's in two days. i want to look like this - almost white pale blonde hair, pale eyebrows, with rosy cheeks and lips being the colour on my face. i wanted to be really striking and when i walked in the room i wanted heads to turn. i wanted to recapture that feeling i used to get when i knew i had it going on. i don't know if i'll pull it off or not.
i've still got a belly, acne and my hair is still yellow. the toner didn't work on my hair today so i need to bleach it more tomorrow. so much bleaching. i need to clean the house tomorrow and bleach out my hair and see the counselor, and make sushi and cake and cookies, frost and decorate, hook up Ari's computer, turn in her math club permission slip, i really hope all goes well.
current mood:  rushed
|
|
|
| Sunday, May 3rd, 2009
| |
7:59 pm
|
i think i have found a fashion muse. it's strange really since more often than not i get inspired by an entire sub culture, or something strange like an event or a painting. these past three to four years spent gaining and loosing weight have left me with zero style and feeling awkward with my body. she's Kate Lamphear from the american elle. i don't know what it is about her really. perhaps it's that despite her plain looks she remains a fascinating visual interest with her style. perhaps it's because she makes less more with everything from her hair to her accessories. perhaps it's because she appears to be making simplicity effortless - which is something i have come to have a great appreciation for now that i cook from scratch all the time. she's inspiring me to get confident again. i've really been wanting to get away from all the blue jeans and juniors screen t shirts. i used to dress up and be cute and i have the body again so what i need is the cash.
current mood:  geeky
|
|
|
| Saturday, May 2nd, 2009
| |
7:26 pm
|
Your Thinking is Concrete and Random
|
You are naturally inquisitive and curious.
You're excited by new ideas, and you are a true independent thinker.
You are interested in what is possible. You like the process of discovery.
You are often experimenting, challenging old ideas, and inventing new concepts.
Rules, restrictions, and limit don't really work for you.
You have to do things your own way, and you can't be bothered to explain yourself.
|
Your Personality Is Like Marijuana
|
You're laid back and easy going, so much so that taking a shower is often too much trouble for you!
Nevertheless, you're quite popular, and many people enjoy your company. You're rarely turned down.
You're prone to giggle fits, paranoia, and forgetting where you are exactly.
At your best: You're relaxed, mellow, and without a care in the world.
What people like about being around you: You're accepting, non-judgmental, and often quite insightful.
What people dislike about being around you: You can be a little too spaced out and apathetic.
How addicted people get to you: A lot, but they're having too much fun to notice.
|
current mood: bored
current music: Mack the knife - Louis Armstrong
|
|
|
| Friday, May 1st, 2009
| |
1:01 pm
|
the last few days have been focused on schoolwork and Ari and Joshua have been doing that together which kinda leaves me out. i don't now if that's preferable quite yet though i do know that i don't know shit about math so it's not like i'd be any help at all.
last night we bleached out my hair and it's a canary yellow everywhere else except my roots which are white. so i either have to teach Joshua to do foils, or do them myself. both options leave me doing my entire head in sections since foils take a long time. i'm concerned to say the least about another at home bleach out since the natural color is as light as it's going to get - it can only corrode from this point on. it's going to take at least one more intense bleach out for the stained pats of my hair to get the lift i need to do the toner. i don't know if i should wait or just get it done as soon as i can since i'm going to have to foil it out eventually anyway. i was wanting it to be white for Joshua's birthday since we're going out to dinner then and i wanted to look good.
i keep turning in applications and Joshua went to the M to talk to his former manager about a job since that place is hopping and the palazzo is kinda just dead. it will take some time for the both of us.
i still just want to evaporate into fallout 3 again. i had originally just wanted to do everything i could with that character and then start a new game but now that the downloads are available i don't know what i'll pick. there are so many things i'd do differently with my character and things i now to look out for like dogmeat and the firelance, utilize the special system better fro the start, and become the master thief that i wanted to be.
current mood: nerdy
|
|
|
| Tuesday, April 28th, 2009
| |
10:26 pm
|
i was really happy last night to discover that i'm at 135 finally. then today was spent either being down about shit or being bored. ain't life grand? i didn't get to go out and fill out any new applications so tomorrow i am planning on stopping at payless and sallys beauty. maybe getting the powder for the developer and some foils to bleach out my hair a bit. i think i have decided to do it white - though that will take a while and probably a few bleach outs. i also need this week to stop at smiths and that subway right by the apartment.
i entered to win the free rent for a year contest in the apartment though i doubt my name would be drawn.
Joshua and i were talking about what to do about Ari's terrible performance at school the past few days. she's not been doing any work and what she does here at home she doesn't turn in. if this keeps up she'll have to go to summer school. he said that she should be miserable - duh she already is miserable that's why she's on anti depressants since traditional therapy was ineffective. he doesn't even ask what i think should happen until he's already decided what's going to happen. i was going to say her consequence for not passing would have been summer school coupled with no vacation back to illinois.
it wouldn't be such a bad thing to keep her away from my family as they were not exactly a positive influence this last visit. she fell right back into old behaviors and wasn't any better or happier for it. she sees her aunt at 25 still living at home. granted i was as well though i worked a full time job and raised a child single handed. her aunt can't even pay her own cell phone bill. she was doing so much better before spring break. her grades were way up, and teachers were writing positive notes in her agenda. now she's gone all the way back to fuck it and everyone is on my ass as though i can do something about it. i can't force another person to care.
completely off topic i really want to download the new content for fallout 3, though we don't even have that game. then i'd have something to do when Joshua watches his shows on hulu. i should just start over when i get the game and create a new character though i saw in one of the packages to download you can go up five more levels - i'm a nerd i know. it's fun to be nerdy.
current mood: bored
current music: I Don't Want to Set The World on Fire - The Ink Spots
|
|
|
| Sunday, April 26th, 2009
| |
3:10 pm
|
things that are different right now from last year -
last year i'd said i'd work fast food and Joshua was opposed to it. nobody has been painting lately. i haven't cut any of the shirts i've bought recently. i'm not listening to a lot of industrial ad am searching for something new to listen to. i'm being pressured to find any work at all. i do about forty minutes of yoga three time a week. i'm seeing improvements with the tetracycline with my acne and it makes me saddened to know that it's going to go back to what it was before when this is finished.
things that are still the same -
still am dissatisfied with my hair color. when i first do the color it's flaming orange and empowering but then it fades fades into the saffron and i'm bored with it. exercise three days with cardio. i'm sick of cleaning as it's all i do aside from run errands. i'm still sick of this style i have with my clothes. everything doesn't fit right, or is too young. again things have changed drastically for Joshua ad Ari but haven't changed much for me at all.
i don't know when things will change for me but hopefully they do before next year.
a thought came to my mind last night and made me fearful for my future. i've had two major nervous collapses in my life already each about ten years apart. it's going to be ten years coming up soon. what if something awful happens again at thirty or thirty one? hasn't life shit on me enough? i cried to myself in bed being afraid that life may just change again and again not for the best.
current mood: scared
current music: Sunshine of Your Love - Ella Fitzgerald
|
|
|
| Saturday, April 25th, 2009
| |
8:29 pm
|
i didn't go to the interview because the appointment with Nancy went long. i could have made it there but Ari would have had to have sat in the car with no air conditioning since that's broken. Josh didn't really say anything about that other than i still need to find work. i explained the next day when we were running errands that i didn't get why it was so important for me to work such dumb jobs for next to nothing. he said that it (being four hundred a month) would be about 20% of our bills monthly. it wasn't very encouraging, though i'm still out and applying and looking for work. i overheard him complaining about me "refusing" to work to other people. yes that' s what filling out applications and responding to craigslist posts is. refusing. *eyeroll*
he's been giving me a hard time about not going into the classroom when he had an impromptu visit with her computers teacher. Ari had gotten a dean's referral and he wanted to see what it was about. the teacher couldn't tell him because she didn't even remember what it was given for. it was a huge waste of everyone's time. i was still drunk from the night before since we'd had a party and he of course waited till the party was well underway to tell me i was coming with in the morning - at that point what could i have said? it was a reminder how much i hated school to have to get up and go there messed up. i'm sure i was nothing short of an embarrassment since i don't know whether or not i could even stand up straight.
i can feel his patience wearing thin with me. i haven't found a job yet despite dozens of applications and craigslist replies. i'm not being able to stop drinking lately when i start and puke too much. that's about once a week. what does he want? it changes. he does then doesn't then does want me to work. he wants me to go to middle school at seven in the morning and give a shit abut a class the teacher doesn't even care about. he wants me to focus on this one class and ignore that Ari has turned all her other failing grades into A's and B's. can't we say job well done? he wants me to be able to have some drinks but not get drunk. he wants me to exercise every day, and he wants to watch his television shows but wants me to hang out with him too. i think a part of it is him looking for an excuse to pick a fight. there are some legitimate things to be pissed off about sure. why get fed up now?
i'm going to look for work in retail again. maybe i'll find a job at a clothing store, or a sally's beauty supply or whatever. it's certainly better than going to that fucking starbuck's baritsa shit again.
current mood:  apathetic
current music: It's in our hands (pink truth mix) - bjork
|
|
|
| Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009
| |
12:35 pm
|
i'm dragging my feet the entire way. hopefully i stumble and fall. at least then i won't get there.
i got a fucking call back for that 7 -11 for an interview today. of course the asshole had to call before Joshua left for work and was sitting right next to me after Ari had answered the phone. i should according to Joshua be pleased about that. i should be pleased that i am selling my labor for the least amount possible. i should be pleased that it will take me about one hundred hours of work to make one car payment. saying it sounds so ludicrous but typing that is almost unbelievable. too bad it's true.
my attitude is still there - if it's imperative that i work then work i shall. it isn't. it's just superfluous busy work to keep me in my place. i don't need to be reminded of why i am in the place i am in with my life. i think he just wants me out of the house to watch idiotic television shows i ridicule constantly. then he'll get his second job working part time and tell me i should quit that dumb one thinking i'd be grateful. and he would be thinking right. he'd make in a few days what i'd pull in the entire month. so why can't i just wait for him to get a second job when he will ask me to quit mine as soon as it happens? i don't know. maybe i should just ditch the interview.
and the fucking school. fucking school. they now need shot records again that they lost again saying again that she needs another shot. i think that they're just trying to make money for the district. Ari is acting up in computers again and her teacher called me to find out what is going on. i just can't deal with it today any of it. why can't this kid be good or her teacher punish her so i don't have to be the one to lay down the laws of others yet again?
yet i have to. i have to go out and do some grocery shopping then pick her from school and see Nancy her counselor. then i get to drive and drive and drive to pick up Joshua during rush hour and maybe get to that interview on time. then i have to answer his questions about it and try to remain calm. then i don't even know. i'm thinking about homemade pizzas and movies tonight - fuck it why not pizza rolls and a movie. less for me to clean up..
current mood: distressed
|
|
|
| Monday, April 20th, 2009
| |
10:48 pm
|
i'm lonesome.
Joshua's routine the last few weeks outside of the dinner last week which was a welcome change has been like this. he wakes, he watches television shows i don't. he then makes lunch but doesn't ask me what i'd want and just cooks for him. so now i have not only his lunch to clean up after i now have to cook ad clean mine as well. then he either watches some more television or attempts to have sex and nap. i pick up Ari fro school and when we get back home he leaves for work. Ariadnie is more often than not doing her own thing and doesn't want to be best friends with her mom which i get. then when Joshua gets home he yaps on the phone with his friend AJ and then makes a snack before watching more television and going to sleep.
we don't make conversation, we don't go out and do anything. we don't even do anything together at home. i made mention of it last night and we went out today but we didn't talk or have fun together. an errand became just that an errand. we haven't done anything romantic in a long time. i feel like i'm just around to pork and clean up after again.
they all think that they are being helpful by suggesting more and more apps for more and more slave labor min wage jobs. lets say i do take the job even though nobody is freaking about money any more. the tiny bit i would bring home would all go away to simple bills and i'd never see a cent of my own money. maybe this is the point of why they suggest the types of jobs that they do - keep the little woman in her place. i'll never be able to stand on my own two feet in this country. this country has nothing to offer me but more subjection. i wonder if i will ever see my lifelong dream and be able to leave to the old world.
current mood: morose
current music: Rub till it Bleeds - PJ Harvey
|
|
|
| Friday, April 17th, 2009
| |
10:30 pm
|
dinner went much better than i thought it would. we stayed up late and drank too much wine and everyone was free and loud and themselves. we made two new friends and look forward to next week's curry dinner.
i'm itching to do my hair again. it's been since february. what to do though?it's a chin length bob again so of course i wanna cut it all off. maybe something erin o connor esque later.
i didn't turn in the app at chipotle yet. i said i'd help out AJ tomorrow if it's an emergency for a dinner he is a private chef at. the guests of honor are Sigfried and Roy. i really hope that Josh just gets the night off and is able to do it instead of me going in his place. the thought makes me nervous.
right now i'm just chilling at the house after a day of laundry and cleaning. it's relaxing. i wish i had some chocolate since my monthly is on it's way againbut we can't have it all i suppose.
current mood:  calm
|
|
|
| Thursday, April 16th, 2009
| |
11:25 am
|
whenever we do a dinner Josh comes up with the menu and that's that. i don't even feel like being here for diner tonight. i'm expected to toil in the kitchen for what? nothing i chose. sometimes being with a chef bites the big one since if he is the chef you are always the underling.
this year for my birthday i'll ask for a crop.
current mood: annoyed
|
|
|
| Wednesday, April 15th, 2009
| |
3:33 pm
|
well the silly idea is just that. i thought about it on my own for a little while lnger and decided that things just aren't that desperate. if they ever do get that bad i'll give it a shot.
today i went to chipotle and got an application. i also got a call back from jack in the box. turning in the app later before i pick up Josh from work. i'm resentful i have to go to these places for work. i've been speaking with a very thin watery oxford / received pronunciation accent when i talk to people about jobs and so far i haven't gotten the usual hateful looks about the hair. i'm resentful because i know if i become employed there will be fights about money. as it stands whenever i spend money it's his and i was being frivolous, but if he spends or it goes in the bank then it's ours and it's sensible. i can't fucking enjoy the money no matter what.
i was really angry and upset earlier about having to apply for min wage and change who i am to hawk shit for yuppies to fast food fad and act like they are so much better than me when they are a fucking nobody and that's all that they will ever be never mind the fact that Josh can make in a single good night at work what i'd take home in a month at thirty hours a week eight a day at min wage... and then i got home and saw Uni and Graham. of course i'd work a shit job to save us all from a possible eviction, or water turn off / electric shutoff, etc.
current mood: listless
|
|
|
| Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
| |
10:03 pm
|
my goal is to fill out an application a day. i've done so online and in person for the past three. today i felt like a fool because on the 7 11 application there is a basic math skills part, and i know i answered one wrong. i was stumped for about 5 minutes on 14 times 6 so i just wrote down a number because i couldn't remember my times tables.. i can't stand how idiotic math has always made me feel and look. i found out there is a math disability like dyslexia called dyscalculia. how helpful it could have been if that term existed when i was a child and i'd been tested for it. i know i would have tested positive.
Josh has been getting cut very early and has also been getting cut shifts too. he's freaking out about money right now with two weeks of three five hour workdays. he's starting to freak me out since my period is coming and i'm getting emotional anyway. i know that he'll get out there and apply for work and be employed before i even get a call back because that's the way it is. my work history is as impressive at this point as a sixteen year old's. hopefully nothing serious will happen and we'll be able to get through this like we always do.
i had a crazy strange little thought just now listening to Neptune from Holst- i still do know how to read tarot cards. i could put up an ad on craigslist since craigslist gets so much response. who knows what sort of response i'd get or if it would be worthwhile. do i really want to get involved with all those new agers? i need to ponder this before i even bring it up to Josh. right ow though, it seems like it's the only thing i am able to do that could possibly generate any money. i know i've had this thought before and never acted on it. partially because i don't want to be mistaken for a fraud, partially because i don't want to be bothered with it. i dunno. i suppose it's worth a shot if we agree it's a viable option.
current mood: curious
current music: Venus the bringer of Peace - Holst
|
|
|
| Saturday, April 11th, 2009
| |
7:55 pm
|
i overate pizza and am feeling too full, uncomfortable full. pretty soon i'll be back to the old routine and looking for work at shit jobs, being bored most of the time, and feeling like i am too fat / or have too many zits. the medicine is working slowly, too slowly. i'll be doing chores and playing video games most of the day.
the vacation went as expected for the rest of the time they were here. i got to eat out get totally trashed, and shop. three things i usually don't do any more. the t-shirts i bought shrunk or i am way bloated as i tend to be before the period. i'm not feeling like doing much except relaxing tomorrow and tonight.
current mood: lazy
|
|
|
| Tuesday, April 7th, 2009
| |
11:37 pm
|
so far spring break is going pretty alright. i'm having fun and i am pretty sure everyone else is too. i've made homemade raviolis and pizzas, we went to the fashion show mall and watched movies, nobody's been too bored or lost anything gambling. Graham and Uni have been feeling friendly and socialable and Ari hasn't been too mouthy or spoiled too bad yet. she loved the movie bolt, and i thought it was alright - still too much of a dog movie for me to really get into. it's silly that any animal with the different pupils is still seen as "evil".
that said i'll be glad to get a little alone time when things go back to normal. i haven't had any me time since spring break started.
current mood: lazy
|
|
|
| Friday, April 3rd, 2009
| |
10:46 am
|
some of the more ridiculous requests from employers right now -
an ice cream shop wants you not only to detail your work history in ice cream, but to send in a resume - for min wage. experienced pizza cooks open availability who can hand toss and be drug free should send in their resume - for min wage. everywhere else is open availability and be the little bitch for minimum wage. one thing the recession hasn't taken away is the corporation's complete ignorance of what should be expected for paying minimum wage. minimum effort. thanks to the immigrants for that. for so long almost all the min wage jobs went to mexicans who only came up here for a few years to save just to run back to mexico, so it didn't matte that corporations could demand so much for so little - it's not like thier workers were making a career out of it or would risk deportation to decry that fact for the most part. the government spends so much time complaining about iran and iraq - this one of many things that's destroying our country. allowing mexico to get away scot free with allowing thier people to abuse our system. mexico needs to step it the fuck up and take care of thier people because it should have never even became america's problem. i have no problem with the people who came here to be americans, this is what america is about. i have a huge problem with people who came here to be what they were and will be in ten years, a mexican. if mexico is so great then don't come here in the first place. i don't know if this is really a racist rant or not. it feels dirty saying what's been on my mind for years. and i'm reminded of my aunt, whose parents are both from mexico, who came here to be americans, whose father went to school here to be a doctor, and they are both productive members of society. i'm reminded of her because she is very openly racist about the stereotypical mexican immigrant here. am i being a racist for saying what i think?
current mood: irritated
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
