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Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009
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3:47p
little did i know that if i always tried to do my best and aim to please then this would be the standard of expectation for me. so when i do make a mistake or fuck it up again then people expect more out of me more from me. they expect me to be infallible which is impossible. since i was already doing the best i could i cannot possibly live up to the new standard of what i should be at my best so let the disappointment begin anon. i wish i wouldn't have set the standard so high for myself, because i'm just setting myself up for failure. i'm just human, all too human i'm going to fuck up. being my best so much of the time makes the mistakes i do make glaring, and seeming unforgivable. perhaps i should be more sloppy, or dumb.
last night i was looking at famous portraits tying to see if there was a dress shape i really love, and found the portrait of Madame X. if only i could have that dress. i tried to recreate singer sargent's sketch of william butler yeats, but it wound up looking more like johnny depp. i thought i could do better and i know i can, but it was on a 3 by 5 inch piece of paper done with a crayola colored pencil in orange. singer sargeant's sketch was with charcoal and much larger than that. so i didn't do so poorly after all.
i've sort of just given up on my skin. i'm always gonna have acne so right now i'm more concerned with moisturizing than preventing zits. may a well try to take care of it for the future because it's going to suck for right now no mater what. i can't see a doctor and can't get help even if i do talk to one through sliding scale. i definitely don't feel attractive lately.
so i made a pact with myself that every day this week i'd try to dress it up a bit when i go out. i've been feeling a little better about the way i look. i forgot how tall i am in heels, and can't do the eyeliner as well as i used to. i cut my hair a little bit myself even though i know i shouldn't have. it's asymmetry was just bothering me and now that's less noticeable.
current mood:  listless (comment on this)
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