Current mood:	annoyed
Current music:	the songs of birds outside

there are qute a few things on my mind right now.
i have been out filling in apps most of the week. Josh was kinda annoying about it since he doesn't work those low bottom of the barrel jobs he doesn't understand that no, i didn't talk to the manager about work, or ask if they were hiring. they'd just send any manager over. speaking to a shift manager about a job is the same as speaking with an associate. hiring is relative - for which location? i wish i had been informed of how important it is for me to work right now a few weeks ago instead of scrambling for anything. he's full of immigrant ideas for me like nanny or maid. who would hire a maid that wasn't through a contractor? if i stole something they would never be able to track me down. i already feel oppressed about entering the workforce again.
i wonder at times like these how different my life could have been if dcfs had intervened and placed me in the foster system. granted my parents would have gotten me back and most likely treated me just as poorly but still. if someone had actually cared enough about my future to have shown me for a moment that i didn't have to be doomed for the lower class my entire life. would i still be here if? ahh if that dirty little word.
Josh has been working out and has seen great results in two weeks. he's lost almost five pounds and hasn't done anything other than cut down on junky eating habits and introduce a cardio exercise plan. i admit that i am jealous. it took me so long and i'm still not there. i doubt if i will ever get to be what i was again.
i really need some alone time. we haven't exactly found our routine here in the apartment as of yet. right now it's Josh all day then Ari all evening. where is my me time alone? we had guests over last night and i didn't feel like having anyone around. i had a good time with them don't get me wrong - i had just wanted to be alone to think for a little while. perhaps tonight i'll be able to. and the dvr didn't record the episode of what not to wear i had wanted to see.
speaking of what not to wear, Josh's best friend out here keeps attempting to bait me as well. i don't pretend that what not to wear is anything more than what it is. every time the subject of television comes up and he is around he mocks that show in particular probably because it's the only one i really watch that he knows of. i've never said anything about the shows he promotes avidly. i have never even gave my opinion of those shows let alone state the facts about that type of base crude humour. if he enjoys dumbing himself down then that is his business. i fail to grasp why it should have to be my problem. every time he has been over lately he's also been instigating that tired old vegetarian holier than thou conversation. i don't know how many times i have to say that i don't eat meat because i don't like it and for no other reason than that for it to sink in. i'm not saying it again however because i've said it too many times already. i ate meat every day for twelve years and every time i ate it it was spoiled or rancid because my parents didn't comprehend that defrosting happens in the fridge and not on the counter top. yet instead of that being the reality he hears he has somehow turned it into the "ethical" reason in his mind and placed that holier than thou vegetarian type on me. it's really fucking irritating. i don't give a fuck what other people do. just please, do it away from me. it could be because i am on my rag that i'm bothered by this. it could be because he doesn't comprehend the difference between an animal and a plant - animals are capable of thought and emotions and plants are not. that's why some people would rather in his words "kill a harmless mushroom but a cow that's unforgivable"... it's obvious that he is artless in his baiting. just like everyone else who is trying to pick an argument with me these days.