Current mood:

jealous

i've noticed this past week that every time i open my mouth and start talking about something other people start talking about something totally unrelated or get that glazed over somewhere else mentally look. i wonder what i am doing that's different today. i do that mental checklist and it's nothing that's been done different. i'm saying the same type of things i usually say in the same delivery.
am i really that boring?
nah. it's just that for me to relate to people i have to remain on that superficial level which gets old fast. i need to find something new in pop culture to speak about to keep thier attention. it's a reality i don't think of much any more since it's simply going through the motions every single day. there's no one i can talk about literature or poetry with. no body else i see every day likes to read philosophy. i know i'd have these problems anywhere i go. it's a downer now that's i'm thinking about it.
then there's been the more obvious things like whenever i'm hanging around with Joshua he's typically talking on his cell phone for hours at a time. last night when he arrived home from work he said he'd check his email and be out to watch the telly. an hour and a half later he's still sitting in front of the computer yapping on the phone. it wouldn't have mattered so much to me if i hadn't saved and quit so we could hang out together. when he asks what's wrong i say nothing and leave it at that. he doesn't listen to what i've been saying anyway so why bother talking more when talking just gets me ignored.
sure i'm jealous a little. jealous that every time he does something then that means that i won't be doing anything because Joshua only does stuff with other people. every time i say we should so something together he asks what i want to do and leaves it all up to me instead of offering up any ideas. to him that may be being sensitive of me. to me it makes me feel like the time he spends with me is a chore to him and he's just doing things with me to shut me up. i'm jealous that he values our time together so little and can't wait to do things with just about anyone else.