Current mood:	scared
Current music:	Sunshine of Your Love - Ella Fitzgerald

things that are different right now from last year -

last year i'd said i'd work fast food and Joshua was opposed to it. nobody has been painting lately. i haven't cut any of the shirts i've bought recently. i'm not listening to a lot of industrial ad am searching for something new to listen to. i'm being pressured to find any work at all. i do about forty minutes of yoga three time a week. i'm seeing improvements with the tetracycline with my acne and it makes me saddened to know that it's going to go back to what it was before when this is finished.

things that are still the same -

still am dissatisfied with my hair color. when i first do the color it's flaming orange and empowering but then it fades fades into the saffron and i'm bored with it. exercise three days with cardio. i'm sick of cleaning as it's all i do aside from run errands. i'm still sick of this style i have with my clothes. everything doesn't fit right, or is too young. again things have changed drastically for Joshua ad Ari but haven't changed much for me at all.
i don't know when things will change for me but hopefully they do before next year.
a thought came to my mind last night and made me fearful for my future. i've had two major nervous collapses in my life already each about ten years apart. it's going to be ten years coming up soon. what if something awful happens again at thirty or thirty one? hasn't life shit on me enough? i cried to myself in bed being afraid that life may just change again and again not for the best.