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Saturday, March 28th, 2009
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6:25 pm
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things are calming down here. she didn't get beat up at school yesterday which was a relief because i thought for certain that that kid's friends would have done something. there was the typical reaction on thursday i expected from her when i tried to talk to her about what happened at school, what can we do to make your life happier, etc. at first she gave short answers, then smart ass answers then tried to manipulate the conversation away from the subject by being really verbose. so she can earn her computer back when she can change her attitude. she was furious about it on thursday but then calmed down. since then she's been trying to change her outlook. there hasn't been any complaining yet today. she actually went outside today and talked to other kids and hung out with them for a few hours. i'm proud!
veronica and dad will be here next week for spring break. Josh isn't looking forward to it but i've stopped paying attention to his gripes. i'm kinda excited to see veronica, as i don't ever get to go out or do anything. lately Josh has been mentally distant with me. he talks and talks to his friends but when we are alone together he doesn't say much then falls asleep. i was annoyed yesterday and didn't want people around so we could have a family night but that didn't happen.
he keeps getting on my case about low low end jobs. go apply at chipotle Shannon! it doesn't matter that everyone there speaks spanish and pretended not to know english when i walked in and asked about the interviews that were supposedly going on. go be a maid! it doesn't matter that i need all damn day and my own car for that job, until i need all day and a car. every type of job i want to apply for is "the wrong" job. isn't the right job the one that hires me? according to Josh no. secretly i don't think he wants me to work. so i filled out an application for some place in treasure island and ashamedly dunkin donuts. we'll see what happens if anything.
current mood:  bored
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| Thursday, March 26th, 2009
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11:33 am
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today i just wanna run away. the kid was kicking someone in school and then told the nurse that she spits out her medicine for the past week. i don't know i she said that to get away with this or what - if she doesn't chill the fuck out she's going to catch an ass beating. she's been increasingly aggressive at home and in general so this explains it. it's so fucking sad that i cannot even trust her to take a pill. as usual everyone else is wrong and she is infallible. i just dont know if this is her personality or not. she reminds me more and more of my mother with each passing day. irrational, quick tempered, over emotional, always right, victimized, selfish.. maybe they are both simply mental.
she didn't get suspended and we had a long conversation with the school nurse.
obviously we need to talk. i don't know if she will even participate or listen to what i have to say. i need to gain an understanding of what's going through her head, what the fuck is she thinking? i have no idea.
current mood:  confused
current music: Behind the Wall of Sleep - Black Sabbath
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| Sunday, March 22nd, 2009
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3:15 pm
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here we go again.
as usual the drama between Josh and Ari is doing nothing but causing me more problems. i'm the enforcer of someone else's punishments. it seems like he is too lazy to get his hands dirty with ensuring his rules get enforced. today it was about surprise! meal time again. the thing is she cannot eat enough to satisfy Josh so he will always have a gripe about that. he doesn't comprehend about a high metabolism still. i need to make a list of things that need to be brought up with Nancy. he's in my opinion too concerned with rules nd authority in place of love and nurturing a relationship.
i don't know what to do about work. apply here and there just not anywhere that an immigrant can do better since they can speak spanish fluently they will be able to communicate with thier co workers. as a thin white woman they don't get why i'd want to work fast food. they are getting the looks in thier faces that there must be something wrong with me. maybe there is - i'm letting someone else choose what i do with my life. i can't find any work that isn't complete bullshit, and the waitress jobs i've been wanting don't call back. so i've been looking into blonde wigs. blonde since it's the color that will hopefully get me hired. boring - but if i can be a waitress then great. JOsh doesn't think i need to change my hair, and if a ob wants me to then i shouldn't work that job. i think he's seeing the world through rose colored glasses and i'm not getting employed anywhere until i look more normal.
i want to be a waitress since there is a chance that eventually i'll be able to move up to something bigger and better. i won't have to keep busting my ass for nothing. i can learn about wines and move to a better restaurant. it's the goal anyway.
current mood: grumpy
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11:26 am
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so far so good. my skin is clearing up a little, two weeks until spring break, loving my hair.
i've been reading de Beauvoir's second sex, and so far it's been very thought provoking. i remembered i miss reading Hegel, and missed sitting there reading a book and having to put it down for a few moments while i mulled the thoughts in my mind over and over.
current mood:  calm
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| Monday, March 16th, 2009
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9:19 pm
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yesterday i tried everything i could for my skin and it was all to no avail. in fact it all made everything much worse. i knew i shouldn't pick but did anyway. cutting into the cysts on my face relieved a bit of the problem but it was still way inflamed and swollen. so then i look around at patient review sites to see what common side effects people were having with accutane. after reading reviews on three different sites i've come to four conclusions about those who have had side effects. or said it didn't work. people are complaining that thier dosage was too high - that's thier fault for taking more than what they knew they needed. people are taking this in thier teens - duh, your body isn't even finished growing yet. people are taking this when they don't have severe acne. this isn't a drug for people with blackheads / pimples that can be controllable with over the counter topicals. people who say this drug ruined thier lives are making outlandish claims like "now i have chron's disease because of accutane." or "now i have erectile dysfunction." none of the people who say accutane ruined thier lives are credible. i found out a lot more about benefits. like everyone who is older with cystic acne has seen radical improvement, or has found that things that did not work before accutane do now. i get down because it's still unattainable.
then Joshua comes home and he starts talking to me and asks what i'm reading. i tell him and then he makes an innocent comment about the size of the cyst on the side of my nose. i start bawling. we make an appointment with my doctor but it isn't until april seventeenth. i don't want to wait that long so we go to the walgreen's pharmacy and i hid my face and felt so ashamed about not wearing any makeup. the guy who helped me was very helpful and understanding, and told me about his experiences with acne. i have a prescription for the antibiotic tetracycline and a referral to a derm about what else can be done. hopefully sometime this year this humiliating disfiguring problem can be gone.
current mood:  hopeful
current music: Since I've Been Lovin' You - Led Zeppelin
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| Sunday, March 15th, 2009
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11:31 am
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our date was something we should do more often. i looked amazing, even my skin was okay and the sriracha orange hair was empowering. we had a great meal at ago. i had the gnocchi and loved it, josh had the veal and was delighted. we had the paraduxx and though it was past it's prime it was still delicious. after that we went to L'atelier for cocktails then went and saw KA. KA was amazing and the cocktails were heavenly.
and now i'm sitting at home with unwashed hair and magazits all over my face sipping coffee in my dirty pajamas. i just made oatmeal and hash browns from scratch for breakfast and nobody was thankful. Ari is in a mood today where she wants to pick arguments about nothing and i'll spend the rest of the day doing nothing but boring chores again noone will be thankful about or being irritated beyond belief because of Josh and Ari being annoying. my period is coming .. i think. right now i'm just waiting for the day to pass to get a few hours of GTA4 lost and damned in before bed.
i just need to break up the monotony but i don't quite know how to. maybe i need a vacation or maybe Ari can just go for two or three weeks this summer and i can get a breather.
current mood: bored
current music: Sakara - Shiina Ringo
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| Friday, March 13th, 2009
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4:03 pm
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sriracha.
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| Wednesday, March 11th, 2009
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3:31 pm
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if you thought that school sucked the first time around, just fucking don't ever have kids. it isn't any more intelligible or interesting the second time around. the misery, the apathy of whether or not schoolwork gets done - i know them so much better than the kid. sadly, this time around i just have to pretend to care about the subjects and force myself to try not to say fuck it. i genuinely do care whether she fails. it's hard for me to give a fuck about geometry. maybe it's impossible for me to give a flying fuck about geometry because when you peer through the bushels and bushels of bullshit, you'll see that you didn't really need to learn that much about it to begin with and what you learned about geometry in kindergarten was probably enough. i have no idea when the american school system will ever drop the charade and prepare our future generations to keep this country afloat in the world market. to be honest i think it's already too late with what's been the standards of the bush years.
another thing - why is it whenever i punish the kid i always get punished as well? no telly means no telly for me too, no video games means no video games for me too. IT'S BULL SHIT. i'm tired of going without whenever she has to.
right now i'm tired of giving a shit or pretending to. i've been feeling very apathetic the past few days, when i'm not feeling like snarling.
today we went to a thai restaurant and i took one look at it and decided that i just couldn't fucking eat there. that can be said for almost any asian or mexican restaurant, because i know what's going on. the food is fuckin great, but there are rats and roaches running out of the backdoor. fuck that. i can cook at home just as well and feel safe about it. Joshua didn't understand why i wasn't in the mood for thai since i usually am up for it. i just wasn't feeling it and i'm really not feeling it now that that tea with coconut milk was all i had for lunch followed by some tums. i should have spoke up. i don't think bout it when it's happening, but i do sometimes act more girlish than i should. i think i'm just nervous about our date really. i don't know if it will be cold out making me cold in a silk minidress, or if my makeup will turn out okay because my skin's been crazy dry lately, or if we will go anywhere i really want to be, or even where we are going still (i don't care for surprises) and i don't know who is babysitting still.
i did get the napalm orange colour from special effects. i hope it turns out the way i want. i want a colour that's really orange, not crayola in any way. i know it may not make much sense but it's really the only way i can think of to explain it.
off to finish chores chores chores. somedays it seems like my entire existence is nothing more than one monotonous chore.
current mood: blah
current music: You Got Me Floatin' - Jimi Hendrix
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| Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009
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3:47 pm
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little did i know that if i always tried to do my best and aim to please then this would be the standard of expectation for me. so when i do make a mistake or fuck it up again then people expect more out of me more from me. they expect me to be infallible which is impossible. since i was already doing the best i could i cannot possibly live up to the new standard of what i should be at my best so let the disappointment begin anon. i wish i wouldn't have set the standard so high for myself, because i'm just setting myself up for failure. i'm just human, all too human i'm going to fuck up. being my best so much of the time makes the mistakes i do make glaring, and seeming unforgivable. perhaps i should be more sloppy, or dumb.
last night i was looking at famous portraits tying to see if there was a dress shape i really love, and found the portrait of Madame X. if only i could have that dress. i tried to recreate singer sargent's sketch of william butler yeats, but it wound up looking more like johnny depp. i thought i could do better and i know i can, but it was on a 3 by 5 inch piece of paper done with a crayola colored pencil in orange. singer sargeant's sketch was with charcoal and much larger than that. so i didn't do so poorly after all.
i've sort of just given up on my skin. i'm always gonna have acne so right now i'm more concerned with moisturizing than preventing zits. may a well try to take care of it for the future because it's going to suck for right now no mater what. i can't see a doctor and can't get help even if i do talk to one through sliding scale. i definitely don't feel attractive lately.
so i made a pact with myself that every day this week i'd try to dress it up a bit when i go out. i've been feeling a little better about the way i look. i forgot how tall i am in heels, and can't do the eyeliner as well as i used to. i cut my hair a little bit myself even though i know i shouldn't have. it's asymmetry was just bothering me and now that's less noticeable.
current mood:  listless
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| Friday, February 27th, 2009
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3:52 pm
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i'm calling bullshit on guys - you have zero idea what you want out of the female gender do you? stop playing these childish games and figure out what the fuck it is you want.
you say you want girls that are thin, yet you also want girls to have a large chest. this is a physical impossibility 99.9% of the time to be rail thin and naturally have big boobs. what part about that do you not get?
you say you don't want a girl who is dumber than you but when you meet a woman who is just as smart as you, you feel threatened and intimidated. heavens forbid you meet a woman who is more intelligent than you - then you run screaming back to your momma. what do you want? someone dumber than you or not?
you don't want your girl to look like a slob but then complain that she spends too much time and money on her looks when she tries to look good. you also say that you want a girl to look natural and not made up but if she isn't wearing any makeup then you bitch that she's too plain.
you want to ogle all the other women you possibly can but get your drawers in a twist if she says that another guy is hot. it's okay for you to express interest in her being involved with another woman because you only want her to be with another woman so you can be too, but if she wants to be with another man then that's wrong. does the word hypocrite mean anything to you? what about her sexual gratification? this attitude makes it look like you can't deliver.
you say you want a woman who loves to fuck, and is uninhibited in the bedroom and when you finally meet her then you say she's a slut. you want a woman who is sexy and knows what she wants but then you say she's trying to hard. do you want someone who loves to fuck or not?
you want someone who is a "natural" red head or blonde but are too dumb or inexperienced to know that the color of armpit hair is what the color of the pubic hair will be. unless she has blonde or red stubble on her pits then she isn't naturally that color on her pubes.
i think that what it is that guys really want is simply to bitch and make excuses for themselves and pass the buck to girls and women. a real man knows what he wants and is excited about it when it comes his way.
current mood:  okay
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| Wednesday, February 25th, 2009
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8:03 pm - edited
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i never thought that it could happen. i'm officially sick of shopping for clothes. i've been to discount stores like marshall's and ross and couldn't find anything but one bra. all over the malls and not one thing i liked enough to buy. everything, everywhere seems so PLAIN to me. why is everything everywhere just plain colors? six different colors of the same shirt. not six styles of the the same color. not even different patterns of the same shirt. there's not even a difference now between the teeny bopper and the adult sections style wise unless we are going into the granny department.
i think my biggest frustration when shopping for new clothes is that my body is almost foreign to me. since depo i have either been gaining weight too fast or loosing weight and stuck in larger clothes. i have no idea what size i really am or what my measurements even are. my waist is still larger than my chest which is a major major problem when attempting to squeeze into anything that will look beautiful. i can find plenty that's decent or okay, but that's not what i wanted to look like on my one date a year. sigh. i don't know if this belly will ever go away and the thought of it being around for forever has me wishing for a plastic surgeon.
the info out there for how to loose that belly is so conflicting. it simple diet and exercise were enough then it wouldn't still be here. i've started doing crunches since josh got his exercise ball but i have zero idea as to when i'll see any results. hopefully i will soon. then i can feel sexy again instead of awkward.
current mood: annoyed
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| Saturday, February 21st, 2009
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4:11 pm
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the two things that i'm reeling the most against with doing a maid or a babysitting job i figured out today.
not only would i be doing even more of the same i do here, it would mean that that would be the totality of my life right now. just a servant picking up and cleaning. i don't want a fucking mop to be the totality of my life right now. not only this but i swore to myself after that awful school experience that i would never again work only with other women. i just can't go to a house and only see other women and worse, work for a woman. yes it's incredibly sexist and the truth is i just don't care how bad it sounds. i just cannot deal with a female boss still. all those bad experiences have simply soured me on the entire thing.
it's not that i want male attention it just that i am fed up with all the games that women play. the blatant favouritism, the snide comments to your face or behind your back, the backstabbing, the outrageous demands, i'm always treading soft with words and actions because i know that something will be taken the wrong way and then i'm damned forever because women don't get very straight up. they let shit fester and bear a grudge for way too long then there's some blowup or constant verbal barbs being spat out. it's like being in high school again.
current mood: annoyed
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| Friday, February 20th, 2009
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3:42 pm
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i went out shopping the last two days and couldn't find anything to wear for our date. i found a cool t shirt at charlotte russe for me of a bird with trees. Ari got a new jacket from volcom that's white and business. she likes it and it definitely looks better that the thrift store hoodie she had. i don't know. i hope i find something soon.
current mood:  awake
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| Tuesday, February 17th, 2009
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11:01 pm
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last week was very bad mentally. i kept having those weird flashes of nausea that only come when things are too routine and predictable. i thought that i'd done it all before and that today would be somehow exactly the same. i need something to happen for me personally to break the monotony.
out applying again tomorrow all day. what i think would be ideal is to just get hired on for a few days a week at a clothing store for days. that more than likely won't happen but what the hell i'll inquire anyway.
we decided to go out on a date when we get the income tax refund back and i have no idea where we will go or what i will wear. i only have one nice dress. i'm having a hard tme finding anywhere that will have anything on the menu that isn't a meat which also isn't an indian or thai restaurant. i'm about ready to give up and suggest somewhere casual like chili's or pizza kitchen. at least then i won't have to be concerned with what i look like too much. i hate to go to almost any italian place because as i said to Josh last night we can do it ourselves here not only cheaper but better unless they are using double zero flour and i know that they aint. i hate to go to any indian or thai place because still again, we can do it ourselves cheaper and better. i'm getting exhausted just thinking about it because i just don't know how what i choose to eat is any of anyone's business outside of my own.
current mood: sleepy
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| Saturday, February 14th, 2009
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12:33 pm
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it really bothers me that when i sleep in late Josh and Ari are both waking me on the half hour or twenty minutes. so then i get up. like today -
wake up wake up you can't sleep all day! so i get up at 10:30. i do the rundown of feeding the fishes and my kitties. i do the dishes and cook lunch for kiddo. i do the cat litter and take out the garbage. and now look! they wanted me only to get up and out of bed to do chores. she's on the computer playing spore and Josh is asleep on the fucking couch! so now what? can't go back to bed, be on my computer nor can i do anything with the telly.
i'm kinda surprised that so many people are into this hallmark holiday. consume consume consume and then bitch bitch bitch about how much debt has incurred or the dreadful state of the economy.
i got my haircut on thursday. it's reminding me of the one i had before where it's really asymmetrical from the ear to the chin. i love to play with it. i need to touch up the colour again soon, or order more hair colour. (i love spelling english the english way and not the american way. we do speak ENGLISH after all)
my acne is'nt nodular anymore with the mineral oil treatment i have been doing. it's still splotchy and red on certain places, still way too many blackheads, and still not great looking but at least i don't have giant welts weeping pus on my face any longer. i'm certain it will come around.
employment seems so far out of reach.. i know that i'll find something suitable soon. i don't really know how it will turn out. i suppose i'll just have to invent a character and be "on" at work, never hanging out with anyone i work with. fine by me. when i look back everyone i worked with was probably snickering about me behind my back i'm almost certain of it. that's what i got for being poor, you know? i don't know what the attitude about me would be this time around after i get a job.
there is a lot of food in the house yet hardly anything for me to eat.
yoga has been going quite well.
current mood: chatty
current music: N.Y. Rush - Yoko Kanno
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| Wednesday, February 11th, 2009
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8:08 pm
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i got the dirtiest looks today at the library from boring middle class strangers. i don't quite understand - they think i'm just doing it for the attention right? i have strange bright hair just for the attention in thier mind. alright, lets run with that. what the fuck is wrong with obtaining attention? everyone wants to get attention and be remembered unless there are self esteem issues. who wants to be nothing more than a plain face in a crowd, a cast of thousands? everyone wants to be talked about. what i don't get is why they don't create the link in thier mind. it's human to want attention, human to get attention yet they scoff at those who do naturally get attention. it's not that hard to make this connection and yet so few seem to.
current mood: blank
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| Thursday, February 5th, 2009
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10:24 pm
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people came over and i had fun tonight. i finally took my own advice i give to Ari all the time. it's your choice everything you are given in life you have a choice about so what do you choose? i chose to be having fun and it worked out.
still no job so far. everywhere i call they aren't hiring. i'm not really surprised.
Joshua got a different haircut today. it's more like thom yorke but not quite as long nor as shiny. i'm really digging it considering he has had the same hairstyle for his entire twenties. our haircuts are next week on thursday. i don't know if i'll do anything different. probably not.
i worry for the stray cat colony that's around here since a bunch of catholics moved in next door. i really wish those cats the ability to live thier lives without humans wrecking it all for them. it's not thier fault that thier owners abandoned them. aside from what i do now, which is put out towels for them to lay on and keep a food dish for them there isn't too much else i can do.
i'm thinking about starting a new fallout 3 game but there are still bobbleheads to be found and i believe places to explore.
current mood: calm
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| Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009
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5:44 pm
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after last night's vodka laden conversations lasted until two in the morning i wasn't feeling like being awake after returning home this morning from taking Ari to school. so i went back to sleep for two and a half hours only to be awakened by a phone call from that damned einstein bagel place asking me about an interview. she originally wanted two forty five but i needed two this afternoon.
i was upset for the rest of the afternoon and distant which bothered Joshua. i did my hair nice and knew that even though i was dressed appropriate for a job interview i was over dressed. sad really that a pair of trouser jeans and a shirt that isn't a t-shirt is overdressed. so i get there a few minutes late while Joshua goes to pick up Ari from school. the woman doing the interviews is with someone else and has another interview before me. so i wait.
i over hear her interview. all the interviews are being taken on the dining floor. she's loud in asking her questions. asking people what thier birthdays are etc. she finally gets to me ad i don't feel a need to lie about my situation to work at a fucking bagel shop. she becomes condescending as soon as she finds out that yes i'm not thirty yet and yes i have a daughter who is twelve. after finding this out she instantly says that i don't have the availability she needs and the interview concludes.
i leave there feeling relief instead of insulted. no waking at four in the morning to work at a bagel shop. no being told i have to change my hair to remain employed. no sacrificing my personal identity to be nothing but a corporate husk for nothing more than minimum wage.
looking on cragslist i saw a job opening for a "edgy" co-host.. what the hell i'll send in a pic. i know that they really want someone who is trashy and has daddy issues instead of being a real counter culture lover and i don't expect a response but i shouldn't be so down on it already.
current mood: recumbent
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| Thursday, January 29th, 2009
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5:39 pm
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see? i did everything wrong again. because since everyone else is always right then naturally i have to be always wrong.
it was wrong of me to take so much time reading the labels of products to see what tests on animals or not. it was wrong for me to care in the first place. it was wrong for me to spend so much money on shampoo and conditioner at once since we usually spend that over the course of time.
it was also wrong of me to gripe about him expecting me to go and clean houses. how dare i not want to vacuum a rich whore's carpet? why would i think i could possibly be better than that? it doesn't matter that he's rather move back in with his parents than clean houses for a living. i am wrong for being unhappy with his suggestions.
fuck me. how am i ever supposed to win?
current mood: crappy
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| Wednesday, January 28th, 2009
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9:24 pm
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i've noticed this past week that every time i open my mouth and start talking about something other people start talking about something totally unrelated or get that glazed over somewhere else mentally look. i wonder what i am doing that's different today. i do that mental checklist and it's nothing that's been done different. i'm saying the same type of things i usually say in the same delivery.
am i really that boring?
nah. it's just that for me to relate to people i have to remain on that superficial level which gets old fast. i need to find something new in pop culture to speak about to keep thier attention. it's a reality i don't think of much any more since it's simply going through the motions every single day. there's no one i can talk about literature or poetry with. no body else i see every day likes to read philosophy. i know i'd have these problems anywhere i go. it's a downer now that's i'm thinking about it.
then there's been the more obvious things like whenever i'm hanging around with Joshua he's typically talking on his cell phone for hours at a time. last night when he arrived home from work he said he'd check his email and be out to watch the telly. an hour and a half later he's still sitting in front of the computer yapping on the phone. it wouldn't have mattered so much to me if i hadn't saved and quit so we could hang out together. when he asks what's wrong i say nothing and leave it at that. he doesn't listen to what i've been saying anyway so why bother talking more when talking just gets me ignored.
sure i'm jealous a little. jealous that every time he does something then that means that i won't be doing anything because Joshua only does stuff with other people. every time i say we should so something together he asks what i want to do and leaves it all up to me instead of offering up any ideas. to him that may be being sensitive of me. to me it makes me feel like the time he spends with me is a chore to him and he's just doing things with me to shut me up. i'm jealous that he values our time together so little and can't wait to do things with just about anyone else.
current mood:  jealous
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